☆ When my Inner Bitch Came to Play...

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[so this is a long post - but, I promise there is a point - so grab a cuppa + join me]

A journal entry from last year that I made when the Little Bitch came to visit!

The other morning I was having this awesome dream.

I was showing a friend of a friend my paintings + it turned out she was an gallery owner + she wanted to have a show + feature my paintings. (Great dream huh?)

She was so enthusiastic, so positive - she loved my work + wanted to share it with everyone, she wanted a show, she wanted to open in three weeks, and surely I could I have eleven paintings done by then. 

I remember feeling apprehensive (eleven paintings!), I would have arrange with mum to take the girls, but it was workable + in the end I agreed to it.

So obviously three weeks has passed because next in my dream, there is a team of artists in my house, hanging up paintings of theirs next to mine, and it turns out that this is a showing of several artists (all who have had a show before). 

Which is cool, but now I am really nervous.

And so we sit around my living room, (I am on the edge of the sofa), and the still really enthusiastic gallery owner decides it would be awesome if all the other artists take turns and comment on my paintings.

And this is where my awesome dream became something else. Something awful for me.

One guy says 'It's not my thing', another says 'I like the boy painting' (not one of my paintings) and so one by one there are these artists critiquing my work and not. one. person. has something nice to say. 

But it was ok. I mean, I was ok with it. I remember thinking - well art is subjective + not every one is into whimsey big eyed girls. 

And then there was this one artist, one whose opinions I really valued. And she was a really close friend of the owner. And so she began. 

And it wasn't good. It was so very critical. And she kept going.

Despair entered my heart. The positivity was replaced with something UGLY

And then I woke up.

******

And I still felt despair, negative, useless. 

I. felt. like. shit.

You see I am usually really great at dealing with my inner bitch. I have learnt several ways to cut her off, give her a bitch slap and send her on her merry way. 

But how can I deal with this when I am asleep - when I am my most vulnerable.

So in the end I could do nothing about the bitch visiting me in my dreams, but I could do what I had planned that day - I could paint.

I still felt sad + negative. Cranky. But then I thought about what I would have done last year, three years ago, even five years ago.

And finally what shook me out of my mood were these realisations:

* One year ago - I would have taken a few days off painting. I would probably not have opened my sketch book;

* Three years ago - I would have taken a week or two off. I would have felt self loathing + disgust that I was letting the bitch win, but instead of drawing, I would have hid behind my busy life;

* Five years ago - I would have packed up the paints + pencils, put them in a dark cupboard + refused to think about art for another two years.

A journal entry from last year that I made when the Little Bitch came to visit!

So, I know we ALL have this little voice in our head.

I know we ALL suffer set backs, bad days, negative thoughts

But what I want you to do is think back to a year ago, three years ago, even five years ago + think about how you reacted to the little voice.

Think about it, and then think about NOW. Have you changed in the way you react? Are you still  terribly vulnerable + tender? Or are you a seasoned bitch slapping bad ass? (I love that so much I have a post it note on my studio wall!)

I would LOVE to know where you are with in your own battle with the bitch. Do you call her/ him/ it a name like me? Do you you have a way of dealing with her that you would like to share? Or do you just need some one to say you are awesome? ('cause you ARE)

I would love to hear your stories. 

Have a fabulous week.

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